I just wanted to feel God, close and personal – too real to deny or doubt.
I’d been battling my mind so much for weeks. I’d been anxious and far more negative than normal. I’d been believing the whispers Satan tells me: that I won’t be successful, that I’m not anything special, that I can’t be anything other than what I’ve already been. I’d been believing that I’m only what others think of me, good and bad, and it was awful.
It’s like the strongholds I worked so hard to break had slipped back into place, as strong and withstanding as a wall of concrete reinforced with steel. I was worried that I would never get back to where I was in my faith; I felt like a failure. Honestly, I felt crushed and started to feel hopeless.
Oh how I needed God! In my desperation for relief and His truth, I prayed and begged Him to reach His hand out to me and grace me with His peace. I needed the clarity and joy that only He gives.
I dropped down to my knees in the middle of my kitchen. I pleaded and asked for God to help me feel Him, to feel His hand in my life.
“God, please help me. I’m desperate for You. I am drowning in my mind, and I know this is not what You want for me, nor does any of it come from You. I worked so hard to break down my strongholds, and when I did, I felt Your precious peace. Please help me to discern Your voice and Satan’s. Please help me to hear Your voice louder than all of the rest, including my own. Please, Heavenly Father, please.”
My soul began to repair itself during that prayer. As I spoke, I focused on my relationship with God in a way I had failed to do for weeks. I felt every word, I let it flow naturally, and I allowed the world around me to fall away. I felt His hands reaching out to my heart! He spoke to me and reminded me of three critical things He taught me to fight Satan:
1) Negative thoughts about my life, myself, or others are from Satan. When I have a negative thought, I must choose to shift my thoughts away from that and ask God to take that thought and energy into captivity and destroy it. In this way, I will regain control of my mind.
2) I must not let my circumstances control my happiness. No matter how stressed I am, how much work I have to do, or how betrayed/disappointed/angry/anxious/whatever emotion I feel, I am bigger than this world. My life on Earth is a sliver of my existence; I am not defined by my life, my actions, my thoughts, my successes, or my failures on this Earth.
3) Whatever I put into my relationship with God, I will get back three-fold. However, if I put in nothing, I will still get nothing. I must prioritize my relationship with God, and be disciplined in my study of His Word and in prayer.
It took less than one week of repeating these points, meditating on them, and actually doing them, for my life to change. I was taking steps forward once again, and it felt SO WONDERFUL!
I’m still not where I want to be in my faith and relationship with God, but day by day, I’m feeling closer and closer to Him. I had to tear down the wall I inadvertently let Satan build to let God back in. Concrete and steel have nothin’ on my God!!!! ❤