Happy. ^^This is my happy face.^^
I can’t be the only one who struggles with this, so holla atcha guuuurl if you do too!
I try to define myself often… like literally every day. I try to assign labels to my personality and temperament so I can better understand who I am.
Am I a good person? I try to be thoughtful and treat each person with kindness, but I also yell at the person driving so close behind me because my 5mph over the speed limit just isn’t enough for them. I have ideas to help the less fortunate, but then I go home to the warmth of my couch, watch TV, and forget about the struggles of millions of other people around the world.
Am I a confident person? Well yes, I see my worth and don’t base my decisions or opinions of myself on what others think. But then there are those days where the phrase “I’m single” weighs heavy on my heart, and the names other kids used to call me in school swim in the forefront of my mind. I don’t feel so confident those days. So am I insecure then?
Am I hard-working and passionate? I feel inspired and literally on fire some days, and I always want to do my best. However, there are days (honestly, sometimes even weeks) where I have no energy and am the least productive person ever. Am I just average then?
Am I “fun?” Am I a “girly-girl?” Am I “a Christian?” I want yes or no answers, all-or-nothing explanations.
As much as I wish to create order in my life, to simplify things so they can be better understood, to break the world down into nice and neat categories, I cannot. I could never be defined by a simple word. The world is not black and white, nor is my personality. Life is too complex.
What am I? Who am I? I am many things. I’m a woman. I’m a momma. I’m the girl from high school who sometimes feels unattractive and left out. I’m a church-goer. I’m a woman who harbors the mouth of a sailor at times. I’m patient and kind, and other days I’m selfish and cold. I’m motivated and passionate, but lazy and bored too. I’m gentle but harsh, critical but understanding. I’m a good momma, other days a great one. Then some days I know I fall short completely.
I’m a human. I’m complex and ever-changing. I’m confident one day and insecure the next. I’m both happy and bummed out in the same moment. And that’s okay.
My traits are not concrete, and just because I make a decision about who I am one day does not mean that’s who I will decide I am another day. It’s exhausting trying to fit into the neat, pretty boxes you’ve labeled, and discouraging when you’re bursting out of them into a mess on the floor.
I can be two opposing forces at once. That is not a weakness or a flaw, that is reality. I’m working so hard to embrace exactly who I am, each and every day. I want to break out of the thought patterns that limit who I am and what I can be. So cheers to being you – the sometimes happy/sometimes sad, crying-and-laughing-at-the-same-time, hopeful but fearful HUMAN! You are perfect and worthy.